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Holy Shit Look At All This Fruit

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Pomeg Berry (Pokemon)

 

Full disclosure: I have never actually used berries in battle. Like, maybe if I'm poisoned and out of antidotes and I've got whatever the fuck berry does poison on hand I might use that real quick, but I don't really make a habit of it. I don't even know off the top of my head what this berry does, I had to look it up.

 

Allow me to get educational for a second. Apparently, what the pomeg does is make your pokemon like you more and lower its health. I probably do not need to tell you that this is a terrible fucking idea for a berry. This is poison. Delicious poison, at that. You're essentially killing your pokemon. It might be a little happier, sure, but it will fucking die. You are an awful pet owner and an awful human being.

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It's also pretty useless from a contest standpoint, which is the only thing I give a shit about when it comes to pokemon and their dietary requirements. It's got three flavors. There is never any reason to turn this thing into a pokeblock. I would never use this berry in-game. What a fucking awful fruit.

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For the most part, I could live with this. Except for one fucking thing. Feebas. (Best pokemon in the game, as you know.) That little motherfucker not only is hard as hell to find and catch in the first place, it doesn't evolve until you max out its beauty stat. Which is a fucking phenomenal gimmick, by the way, and Nintendo is seriously fucking missing out on the opportunity to use it more often. Imagine like, a super weak pokemon that evolves with high toughness. Like wimpod. Imagine wimpod only evolving if you stuff little yellow cubes made of mashed and compacted lemon pulp into its mouth. Fucking awesome.

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It doesn't exist, so I've never eaten one. That said, I bet I'd hate it. It's spicy and bitter, neither of which is a flavor I approve of. Spicy I can sort of tolerate sometimes. Bitter is nature's warning that you are wasting your fucking time ingesting this plant byproduct. Which in this case is true; because as we established earlier, this berry is literally poisonous. You know what else I don't approve of? Me dying. I think we can safely give this berry a 0/10.

 

While we're here, let's talk about pokemon. You know what I hate? The fucking "internal battery" or whatever that was in those GBA cartridges. I had my copy of pokemon emerald (the best game in the series, as you know) for like maybe a year before it stopped working, and then BOOM. Time fucking deletes itself. I was a dumb kid, so I didn't know how this works or how to use google, so I was just sitting there watering all my berries like a god damn moron wondering why none of them would grow anything.

Anyway, I caught like 50 feebasses and got one that only likes dry fruit, so I could jam more of those fucking things down its throat before it got sick of it, but then I ran into a problem. I don't have enough dry berries to give this awful little fish friend the makeover of its motherfucking life. So I went to plant more, obviously. But they don't grow. They don't grow because this god damn fucking device monitors time through a tiny fucking battery on the inside of the cartridge that you cannot fucking expect a dumbass thirteen year old to replace unsupervised. So I never got my Milotic. And you might say, "Lime, why don't you just get one in a later game, where theyve changed the evolution mechanic for some godforsaken reason like the anti-fun capitalist hellhounds they are?" In which case I would answer you dont underfuckingstand. The bullshit ridiculous overcomplicated nonsense mechanics surrounding this little water bag is the exact fucking thing that makes it so beautiful. This creature is everything to me. I need to fucking do this the right way or it DOESN'T FUCKING COUNT.

Long story short, I restarted the game again and am hoarding ever dry berry I receive in the dim hopes that they're just enough to make this wonderful little creature feel as beautiful on the outside as I know it is on the inside. I'll keep you updated.

 

Now this is unconfirmed as far as I know, but it's possible this disgusting fictional berry was based on the non-fictional "pomegranate", which is neither a berry or disgusting. I mean, maybe a little. I'd have to try one. Pomegranates are fascinating fruit, though. If I was doing a review on those, I could talk for pages about all the cultural and literary significance behind them. But this isn't a pomegranate review, and I'd rather not get too far off topic.